Almost go time

So the new book goes live tomorrow morning. With that comes the crippling self-doubt. Much of that doubt comes from within, but there is always some external source of doubt. There are always those that do not like a particular style or genre; they can say it wasn't about the sex or violence, but the truth is sometimes that style makes a reader question the material. After all 'good writers' don't need to drop 300 f-bombs in a 275 page book.

Personally, I justify it based on the nature of the characters; they are awful people. Having spent four years in the Marine Corps I can tell you that I probably heard 300 f-bombs every single day. That was the primary vocabulary for some of my brothers in arms; just the way it was, probably still.

Then there are the questions I always have "did I use some particular conjunction too frequently?" One I know for sure I did not use too frequently - and - it is simply a word I despise using. It has led to my style of using semicolons instead of colons. So where many will say:

There were things I liked and things I did not like.

I will say:

There were things I did liked; things I did not like.

That is a style choice I have made. Another frequent choice I have made is to take a list of things and condense them down to short sentence fragments.

The night was cold. Lonely. Dark. Passionless. Alone I walked.

 (These were examples only, not actual sentences from the book)

That is a style. Some may like it; some may not [see!]. Their preferences should never be my concern as I write, but when it comes time to sell all of those things become my own self-doubt. It is the pain all writers must feel until their books become best sellers or dust gatherers. Many great authors have made stylistic choices that were unpopular in the moment and later considered brilliant. Others have made similar choices and been laughed at for their audacity.

I wish I could afford $2000 for an editor - life might be much easier if I could simply say to the editor "make this better." Alas, I am a true independent author seeking out the assistance of friends, family and kind strangers on a shoestring budget.

The final judgment comes from readers. Do they read it, recommend it, talk about it? Or do they simply go "meh, not worth talking about one way or the other."

The reason E.L. James sold so many copies of her books had to do with exactly that. People talked about it; recommended it to their friends; word spread in the old-fashioned grass-roots method.

At the end of the day, there are two types of judges. External and internal. I cannot control how others judge; only how I judge myself. I have judged this book countless times. tomorrow, everyone else starts to judge it from their own perspective.