Monday, March 9, 2015

March 09, 2015
You say it is a blessing to have vision, to see things others do not. Blessing? How about a fucking prison. Every day, everywhere, I see. That vision is one which makes me a constant ball of perversion walking around as if I were normal. Vision? Blessing? Everyone I see becomes a consumable. Someone to be used for my own imaginary pleasure followed by gratuitous imaginary pornography.

No, this is not limited to the selct few attractive women we might run across during the day, but every -  single - woman. The sights, the imagination, they control me. Not because I want to be this way but because this is the way I am. There is nothing that seems able to stop the images from flowing across my mind. I see the woman and I see the nudity. It is one and the same. it would be easy to blame society. Blame television. Blame commercials. Blame someone. After all, it cannot be my fault. It has to be someone's fault, though.

Can I blame God? This is the way I was born. I was born into a prison of constant mental imagery.

You wonder how in the world this controls me when I am at, say a mall, or a restaurant? Or an office? I have let the visions control me everywhere. Walking out of a prison yard one time, there was a vision of a Hispanic woman. The vision controlled me. I found the nearest bathroom and the vision came to life. Slowly and surely as each stroke brought the pain of vision nearer its inevitable end.

Public restrooms? Malls? Gas stations? Anywhere. It doesn't matter, all have been a refuge of masturbatory relief. Yes. that is what I said relief. Seeing those visions does not stop. Release. That is the only way to stop the visions. Unfortunately that relief is only temporary. Because just then, another vision; another thought.

It doesn't even have to be a real person. an imaginary person on paper. that's enough. You wonder what it is that makes people perverts? We don't know. We see a woman and lust fills our mind. Not our hearts. That is a misnomer. A heart never lusts, the mind does and the cock does.

Controlled by the visions we sleep poorly as the visions carry into our dreams. We taste in these dreams - and we smell. The tastes and smells of sex in the dream are vivid and real. We feel the motion, we feel the softness, we feel our own erection. It is torture to sleep as much as it is to be awake. maybe even more so. when awake, i can satisfy that lust that fills my mind. Asleep? Never.

Always so close and never ever fulfilling the dream. So we wake up and masturbate to the dreams. It is an endless cycle of pain and pleasure we cannot escape. Blessing? Hardly. More like inescapable torture on a moment-to-moment basis.


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